Honesty

I began to realize why it is that I write so little and feel unable to write. You see, in the beginning only a few people even knew I had a blog. I could write without holding back, because I really had no clue as to who was reading my blog or how consistently it was read. Now that I know the vast number of close friends and family who keep up with my blog (God bless you all), I'm a scaredy pants. I'm not so scared of reactions as I am to just the amount of knowledge that I share from my heart and I leave in your hands. These are my struggles. These are my joys. These are the places I am growing. These are the places I still need to grow. It is heavy stuff. And I never meant it as just a source of information, but a place to find encouragement and hope. So, I think it's time for me to be honest again.

I graduate in 28 days. Want to talk about an emotional rollercoaster??? I am so excited some days and cry my eyeballs out the very next day. I get a stirring in my stomach just thinking about it. How can a person love and hate something so much at the same time?

And if you really want me to start bawling my eyes out, say anything about my church here, Christ Fellowship. This is without a doubt what I will miss the most. I even got to such an extreme emotionally the other week( I sobbed the whole twenty-five minute ride back to campus) that I wanted to change my whole plans and stay here and work for Christ Fellowship. I was serious! My plans were so elaborate that I think I went ahead and had myself like married and settled here in the next two years! (For those who are itching to find out who the guy is...there isn't one) I was off my rocker big time!! But that's what this time in your life does to a person. It takes you from normal to crazy in under 60 seconds.

**Just as a side note: When you're crazy, you don't want anyone to know that you're crazy. So thanks to all of my friends who treated me like I was normal, when I finally got the courage to talk to you about my losing touch with reality.**

And God is SO GOOD. He has seen through all of my irrationality and whining. He puts up with so much from me. And He still manages to get me back on track at the end of a rough day. I've been reading the Psalms during this rough time, because so many of them basically say "God, my life sucks and things are hard right now, but I give You praise and trust You, because You are God and You take care of Your children." It's probably a bad paraphrase, but read them and see for yourself.

Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemies triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4 and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

6 I will sing the Lord's praise,

for He has been GOOD to me.

Can I be real about something else? I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I still struggle with the picture of me in an office all day, seeing client after client. That's not my heart. Maybe I need to make my own options for myself, but I don't know. How do you do something that has never been done before? I still ask myself what am I really that great at?

That's all for now. Should be more than enough to chew on.

A poem by Carrie

oh future. poo on you. you make me sick.

Camping 08

It has been two months since I last posted on this blog, but I honestly haven't written anything but schoolwork during this time. While I am usually overflowing with questions and exciting news, nothing has gotten to the place where I just wanted to write about it.

I have taken two trips recently, both worth writing about, but time is what runs away from me. Almost three weeks ago, I packed up my stuff and drove home to surprise my dad for his 5oth birthday. It was sort of a spontaneous leap from reality for a few days, and I can't remember smiling and laughing that much in months. The first night I spent in SC I stayed with Lacie so my dad wouldn't be clued into the fact that there was more to my coming home than meets the eye. The two of us had a great time together as always, and she took a bunch of goofy pictures of us, which I can only look back on and shake my head.

We surprised my dad ten times over. First me. Then my sister. Then a surprise trip(blind-fold and all). He couldn't believe it. I think it was just the break he needed as well. We ended up in the Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. Let me just tell you, it was beautiful.

This past weekend was my fall break, and I decided to take a girls trip to go camping in Georgia with five of my friends. We stayed at High Falls State Park an hour from Atlanta. I have never really been camping before so this was quite the experience for me. I loved it. We built our own fires. We cooked our own food. We hiked. We nearly froze to death. And we almost got eaten by bears the first night because we failed to take our trash to the trash dump. True story.

All in all it was an unforgettable experience. The weather during the day was perfect for us to hike around in the woods and by the waterfalls. We met some fun people too. We weren't exactly looking our best for this trip, but it was a bonding experience nonetheless.

Be 13 Again.

Be 13 Again. This is the phrase that is plastered to my dorm room wall as of this weekend. I have always felt like the kid in me never grew up. It's a semi-Peter Pan-esque rebellion, which probably explains why that's my favorite story ever. J M Barrie just speaks to me. My entire side of the room is covered with posters and magazine cutouts of all of the latest teenybopper idols. Tons of Hannah Montana. Lots of Jonas Bros. High School Musical stars. Camp Rock leads. You name it, I've got it on my walls. I have one last semester of college, so why not go crazy? It really is fun, and I'm attracted to their fun catchy pop songs that aren't seriously loaded, emotionally frustrated songs that everyone is so driven to these days. They're just fun. And with life being the way it is, some days fun is all I can manage.

In all seriousness, at this point in my life I've been feeling a pretty strong desire to either go back and be 13 again or fast forward five or ten years. College is probably the most uncomfortable place for me to be right now, and yet I have a responsibility to myself and my parents to finish this degree I started three years ago. I have been at school for one week now and I feel like a freshman all over again without the excitement of the years to come. It's just awkward. My ties here are already starting to disintegrate. Even more strange is not knowing what comes next. I should know shouldn't I?

What's most dissappointing is not knowing how or if I left my mark anywhere. Looking back, I remember every year coming back and hoping that I could become a little bit more of myself here in this Christianized college bubble. I never got there. I still left myself in Florence, SC coming to this place where I question every move I make, every word I say in hopes that if I do something right I will earn more Christian points in this race to be the best Christian. I have no titles. I'm not the outgoing one or the funny one or even the smart one. These people have nothing to define me, and I'm left feeling like I don't belong completely. They would never tell you that here.

Generally, I'm a very easy going and cheerful person, but the day I came here I became synical and irritable. I've been taught that when you want to be filled with joy, you need to ask God to give you an unoffendable heart. And I've been praying that over and over again this week. The worst part is how God likes to send you these awful tests to strengthen the qualities you ask for and He places within you. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and pray it again. I have to jokingly say that for me going to college is like enlisting. Like I signed up just to get put on the front lines of combat. Because I can tell you my soul is at war. At least I can rest assured that Christ has already won the battle for its ownership. It's His. All His.

I went to church this morning, and it was the most refreshing and wonderful service. I just felt that if just for a moment I was completely at rest, my spirit renewed. I felt the very power of God. I needed to feel it again. Just a glimpse. We sang a song whose lyrics read, "You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles." I needed God to remind me that He was that for me. And I was reminded that the position of my weakness and brokenness was where He could use me the most. The less of me I cling to, the more of Him I can have room for in my life. Pastor Tom preached on 2 Timothy 4: 7-8. Verse seven reads, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." I want to be able to able to say that when the battle is finished.

I'll cross the street...I have a dream.

My last Monday at work is come and gone. I hate how fast summers go by. This has truly been an incredible summer and a busy one at that. I know I'll never be able to do everything I want to do in life, but by golly I try. I have literally been out of town or had plans in town every single weekend. And then I would come back and work 36 hours a week. And I've learned so much and really struggled a lot.
You see, when I've got something on my mind that I'm really wrestling with I tend not to talk about it until I've got it all figured out. This can be problematic when people want to know what's going on with me in certain areas of life. I'm an open book in areas of my life not covered in question marks. For instance, a lot of people close to me have wanted to know how working with a psychology group for the summer has helped me decide my future. While I've learned so much from each one of the great people that I work with, putting it all together still looks like a great big mess. I have less than five months to make plans for January, and I definitely don't want to be stuck in Florence waiting for something magical to happen. I'm smarter than that. But how do you explain messes in your head to other people? I haven't quite found a good way yet.
The best advice I've gotten all summer came from a DVD of a series that Andy Stanley did called the Best Question Ever. We watched these videos on our college and career beach trip. He said that the best question to ask yourself in any circumstance is not "what is the right thing to do?" because that doesn't always point to a solid or concrete answer(not everything is spelled out in the Bible) but we should ask "what is the wise thing to do?" based on my past experiences, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams. That really put a lot of things in perspective for me.
Too many things have happened for me to write about all of them. I've gotten to spend at least some time with all of those people who are important to me. I've made new friendships and made old friendships stronger. What I'm learning is that life is about relationships. More importantly my salvation rests upon a relationship with the One who holds all things together. And I don't know Him the way I thought I did. This is me being vulnerable. I know so much about Jesus, and I have a relationship with Him. I do. But I know that I can't be a fair weather friend forever. I have to know Him. What is He passionate about? What direction is He going? Because in order to be the kind of bride that the Bridegroom can be proud of instead of some whore for a wife, I have to stand by Him. I need to know where that is. Too many times I get in the way instead of being helpful.
I've already said too much. I have to go. Read the Gospels. Right now I'm reading John who had the nerve to call himself the beloved disciple. I think maybe he got it.

Notes from a working girl

I am now an eight to five, real deal, working girl now. I have been for four weeks now. I didn't realize how long days could actually be when you're stuck behind a computer. I come home, take a nap, eat dinner, take a shower, and go to bed. I mean, what a life! I can't imagine having a family and other responsibilities outside of a job. I must be so spoiled! But enough whining... I love my job.
Behavioral Health Group has been fantastic for me. The people I work with are amazing and so helpful. I really think I will be sure of what I want to do come the end of the summer. The fact that it is a private practice with a number of psychologists and licensed counselors with diverse backgrounds and specialties is phenomenal. And did I mention that they are all Christians?? This is exactly what I think I want to do! I get along with everyone so well, and sometime they feel more like family than co-workers. And I have only been there for four weeks!
So what do I do exactly? Yeah, good question. Let's say whatever needs to be done. I've caught on pretty quickly with everything so far, so I've been the receptionist some days, I get to run to Office Depot or call them and place orders charging lots of money on the business credit card, I score some of the psychological testing and insert the information into our computer system some times, I get to meet with the doctors and counselors to pelt them with questions, I get to do some observing and participating in group therapy and other things, but mostly I sit at my computer and fix the billing records that weren't done right when the old office manager was there. I will have my own office by the end of the summer. I think that is pretty cool.
My only frustration is that I have been working for four weeks now and won't be paid until next week. I found that out today. I don't want to cast blame on anyone, because the person who should have gotten everything straightened out with the payroll guy hardly works at the office anyways. But I just wish there was one person in charge of me who was there and I could ask questions and get things straightened out right away. Unfortunately for the moment, I'll have to wait on money and keep working on the computer stuff hoping that it is done right.
This will be a great summer, and I have plenty of other things to write about soon. Now to work the church nursery for my mom who is stuck at the beach.....

My crazy life

My life has never been crazier than it was this semester. I have hardly had time to breathe between reading assignment, writing papers, research projects, and studying for exams. This is my last spring in West Palm, and I wish I had been able to enjoy it more. Now it's time to pack and clean and try to enjoy the last day before summer at home.

The past two weeks have had so much going on, but I think it's important to mention that I just turned 21!!! Even though it was in the midst of the craziness and everyone was busy, my amazing friends still made time to make it special. I woke up and our whole apartment was decorated with streamers and post-its and luau party supplies. It was awesome.

The weekend before my birthday, my family came for a visit. We had a great time, and they even got to come to the Keys with me for my friend's birthday party. It was a busy weekend for me and little sleep, but I really had a good time.

On my actual birthday I went a local park on the beach. It was so much fun. Just me and God and the beauty of creation. This beach has so many shells. I had to go get some as birthday momentos. Even though I had so much on my plate during that time, I decided to take a break from it all and do as little homework as possible. I deserved it. A friend recently taught me that birthdays are about celebrating the gift of life that God has given. It's not about getting a year older but being blessed with another year of life. I want to celebrate like that.