The Comparison Game

It's been almost a year and a half since I last wrote here. A long year and a half. I've gotten a job. Moved out. Started working in my church's youth group. Stopped working in my church's youth group. Learned a lot. A lot. I won't rehash it all.

I come back with no empty promises or goals to write X number of times a day, week, month, year. I'm don't even really want people to know I'm writing again. Well I guess I wouldn't write here if that were the case. Maybe it's that I don't really want most of the people I know to read this, those who will form opinions about me or judge me for my writing. In fact, I was in a tizzy just this week for someone judging me for less than that. I couldn't imagine that someone would act as if they knew me when they haven't tried to get to know me.

We all do it. We think we know someone's intentions. We think we know what people are thinking. We think we know what people are feeling, experiencing, being. You know. The guy pulls out in front of you or cuts you off in traffic, and how many things do you attribute to him? Stupid. Reckless. Inconsiderate. Probably too old to have a car. Or too young. But when we do it...It doesn't seem to go both ways.

I've been caught up in this a lot lately. The comparison game. And it just goes to show the ugliness that is still in my heart. I have this desire to expose what is ugly and broken in others, while hoping that others will overlook the ugliness in me. I despise fakeness. And I hate when others can't see through fakeness. Especially when it comes to the Lord. I feel this grave sense of injustice that must be made right. I hate when God's name is tossed around for personal gain. I hate watching people who claim Christ's name so adamantly and do not walk in love. And I hate that I feel this way.

I am not a judge. There's too many planks in my own eyes for that. But my spirit has been trained to be sensitive to the real and not just the perceived. To see the heart and not just the outward appearance. I truly believe that I was made to be a counselor. It serves me well and has blessed me with very deep and rich relationships with wonderful, God-loving people.

But then there are days when I get so undone by the truth of others' failures and great grievances against me and against God that I fail to extend the grace I so desperately crave myself. My pastor just spoke on the inseparable nature of grace and truth this past Sunday. And I still miss it. All. the. time.

And God is just so smooth in how He redirects, corrects, and refines us. I was caught up in this comparison game. And I was labeling people as Pharisees who wear the bells and pray in public. And I literally picked up my Bible in outrage to read the verses that prove that they are the wrong ones. That I am right in my indignation. And I started to see the tables turning. I was the one looking for spiritual brownie points. I was the one feeling overlooked and scrambling to be seen, to prove that I was worth something more, because I didn't do what those "sinners" did.  I was screaming for God's attention, and at my core I was wanting to do exactly what I saw people doing. I just knew it wasn't God's desire.

He gently led me. Oh how I love His gentleness. He softened me and He spoke to me. "God doesn't require attention-getting devices. He won't overlook what you are doing; He'll reward you well." (Matthew 6:18, The Message)

How He loves.

When we stop the comparison game. When we stop trying to find our security elsewhere. When we remember God sees us, He hears us, He loves us. That is when we find rest. That is when we find peace and become people of peace. And that is when we discover who we have been divinely designed to be. In that place, I love me. And I can't imagine trying to be anyone else. :)

He will come like the rain

Right now I am sitting in my sister's new apartment in Birmingham listening to the rain pour down and am reminded of God's passionate pursuit of His people. Last night I had a dream, well a nightmare really. And although God doesn't often speak to me in dreams, there are times when He does. Now, I don't keep a dream journal and I rarely analyze my dreams, but God has spoken to me clearly through the use of dreams just enough for me to pay attention to them.

Last night was one of those times. If you would have asked me what the dream was about this morning I could have told you. Now, I could not tell you. What I can tell you is that the message and the feeling I won't forget. I was barely conscious of what was happening, but it was going on inside of me and externally in the room around me. It was a battle, and I awoke literally gasping for air.

Fear gripped me for a moment. I said a prayer acknowledging God's power in the moment and asking for assistance. He was there. Suddenly I knew there was a battle going on in the spirit realm, a fight between Good and evil.

God confronted me and told me I had turned to idols. He told me to list them and repent. I did, as well as repenting of every other sin I could think of. Idols? Me? I knew it was true. I listed them so easily. Some were harder to repent of than others. Even though I was fighting against gripping fear, I told Him He was my Prince of Peace and asked for Him to send me back to sleep. I woke up this morning with an odd sense of peace about me.

The reality of the night's spiritual warfare sat with me from the moment I first opened my eyes. As I got ready for the day, I kept singing this song, "I believe He will come like the rain...." over and over and over. I had already been singing this song due to a pin from Pinterest this week. But now it felt significant.

(print can be purchased here)

I grabbed one of my sister's Bibles off of her shelf and asked the Lord where to read. This verse was from Hosea and it speaks of an unfaithful people and Israel's turning to idols. I figured I would start there. I turned to Hosea and it fell to a daily devotional reading labeled "A Prayer of Repentance." Hmm, that sounds familiar. Turns out God told Israel exactly what He wanted them to say and exactly how he would answer them in chapter 14, the last chapter. (Gotta love a good ending.) It seems God was asking the same thing of me.

I turned back to chapter six to read the verse from the song. The whole verse reads, "Let's try to learn about the Lord, he will come to us as surely as the dawn comes. He will come to us like rain, like the spring rain that waters the ground."(Hosea 6:3 NCV). 

Ladies and gentlemen, I think after a year and a half of running and fumbling and holding on to the way things are for dear life, I cannot continue to learn about the Lord without His Word, the Sword of the Spirit. And apparently I need the Sword for this battle I believe we are all fighting, whether we want to or not. He has actually been nudging me for quite some time to return to daily Bible reading, but I have been more than a little resistant. I surrender.

Earlier this year the Lord used this song to really do a work in my heart. I love the way He speaks to me. I want to hear Him more. I'm still fine tuning my listening skills.

Song: Only One, By Harvest Bashta one of the worship leaders at my church when I was in Atlanta.

Jerome the Gnome goes to Rome

Jerome had been taking a break from his travels for awhile to support me in my last year of grad school. I thought it was time to reward him with an international trip to Italy and Germany. Okay, it was really for me, but I did take him. He even got to meet the Pope. Well, sort of.

Here are some of my favorites of him, before I take a few days to show you my favorites of the trip as a whole. So without further ado....Jerome the traveling gnome in Rome...and Venice and Haltern and Cologne. 

Inside the Coliseum

The Pantheon

Fountain at Piazza Navona

The Trevi Fountain

As I'm taking pictures of Jerome at the Trevi Fountain this man walks up to me, asks me about Jerome, and tells me his girls are doing the same thing...but with the Pope. They wanted a picture with Jerome but were afraid I might be Catholic and find it offensive. But I'm not Catholic, and it's not every day you get to meet the pope. This was their pope's first time to Rome. I tell you what, Jerome always makes friends.

St. Mark's Cathedral in Venice

Hey look, it's a gondola! *Sigh* You may not be able to tell by his face, but I know he was loving every minute of this trip just like I was. I love Italy. No, I really love Italy. No, I really really love Italy.

Overlooking downtown Nuremberg, Germany

Making another friend in a store front in Haltern

532 stairs is a lot of stairs for anyone, especially a gnome. The top of the bell tower at the the Cologne Cathedral

By the Rhine River in Cologne. Fun times.

Can't wait to see where he goes next! Any exciting trips coming up for you? Wanna take Jerome?

Summer

O, I have been having so much fun!!! Seriously, I love summer. And this has been an especially fun one, probably because the past two I was in school and working...And beginning next year I will work every summer indefinitely. I am soaking in every second.

Here's the quick overview which will be broken down over the next few weeks with lots of pictures capturing (rather flatly I would say) the wonderfulness that has been my summer. First, a marathon trip across Italy and Germany, a quick trip to Atlanta for an appointment, spending time with friends, and meeting my friends' brand new baby boy, followed by Hillary's wedding in Augusta, a trip with the Glanvilles to the beach, only to come home and turn right back around to the beach with my family. I've been at home for a week now helping to organize and clean my parents' house(no small task), and in an hour or less I will be back on the road with my family to Birmingham to help find my sister an apartment. When we come back Sunday, I will leave Thursday to go to Atlanta again, be back to organize some more for a week, then I have jury duty, right before going to Mississippi to be in my friend Kayla's wedding. My sister will have moved into her new apartment in Birmingham that weekend, and as I drive back I will stop and stay with her for a few days to help her set up her new apartment. Then it's home to finish the work I began here and ending the summer with a big yard sale/bake sale.

I'm not sure if this goes without saying, but I haven't been looking for a job. I started the summer hoping to have a job to start in July or August, and believe me I am ready to start real life back soon. But summer begs to be enjoyed, and I have been doing exactly that. Work will come. Right now, I will enjoy some time with my family and friends while I play.

So Long Apartment by the Chattahoochee

This week I am living in an empty apartment. I found some old pictures from when I first moved in and thought you could reminisce with me....

Our outside space complete with Albert the albino frog. He lived on our patio for a few weeks. We were tight. I miss him. Okay, not so much. You'll notice I also have a flamingo in one of my pots, and my gnome Freddy in the flowers on the table. What can I say? I'm weird. And the inside...

This was before curtains, lamps, wall hangings, an extra chair, and new pillows. Want a drab to fab makeover? Curtains and lamps do wonders!

A perk to having an engaged roommate...fresh flowers. :)

The kitchen was small but worked for us...most of the time.

bathroom

bedroom, I had to flip the bedding after awhile, because the large bright flowers became a bit much.

Imagine a couple of brightly painted mirrors on the wall. Yep, that's about right.

O, there's my mirrors on the floor. Yes, pile on the floor by my chair, that's about right too.

Well, there you have it. My past year in pictures. I've had a lot of good times in that apartment. I will miss this place dearly. I will miss the river and the trails and the coffee shop and the free book of the month. Mostly I will miss this...

Thanks for a good year Hillary! I will miss nights of Alias, swapping crazy hospital stories, and overall enjoying spending time with you and getting to know you. You've been an awesome roommate, and I wish you the best as you share your life with Justin!

My Journey: Part 7, The End of the Beginning

Part of why I never finished the posts about my spiritual journey was that there was never a final conclusion that I could tie a pretty bow on. I am still a work in progress. I am still on the journey. I've had moments where I feel as if I'm walking backwards and others when I see forward motion.

I've been at a new church for over a year now. And most of the time I have a friend going with me. When she can't, I still want to go even if that means sitting by myself. Huge improvement. If I were honest though, I have struggled with some of the same things at this church as I did with the last church. I think that it makes sense when you take into account that I'm not perfect and neither is any church. But this church has been a blessing, and I know and have relationships with many more people than I did at the other church...and in less time.

But as I look back I can see some of the bigger picture and how God in His omniscience orchestrated my being at both of those churches for the length of time that He did. I learned some very specific and powerful things about God and the Holy Spirit from both churches. He is painting a picture with my life. Although it looks like a mess now, it will soon be a masterpiece.

I wrote in August about learning about grace, and I still am. Add to that learning about God's goodness and learning to hear God's voice and you have enough for me to work on for the rest of my life.

You already know I just graduated and am moving, but as I look to an unknown future, I can tell you that I have peace in the midst of uncertainty. The Lord goes ahead of me. He walks beside me and behind me. He is in me and works through me. This sounds super spiritual and Christiany, but the past three years have proven that in my life. I'm growing to trust God in ways that I have previously been unable to do. Our relationship is deepening and deepening.

Psalm 42:7
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

The Breakfast Club...more than just a movie

I have an obsessive personality. (Note to self: This is probably not a good way to start a post.) I get extremely passionate and over the top about a given thing, topic, or person for a period of time, and then I'm on to the next thing. My current obsession: fine china. Weird. I know. When I was growing up, my mom would drag me into Mikasa and Lenox stores, and I would whine the whole time. She loved china. My dad would always be asking how many china patterns she had. I never really cared about it.

Then out of no where BAM! I started oohing and ahing over china. First, it was just visiting a few antique shops. Now it is so out of control that I will have to post about this twice to even cover it. It is embarrassing. Once I started my collection, I realized I didn't want to be one of those people who buys or registers for china but never uses it. I also needed an excuse in the midst of my crazy busy life to get together with my friends.

Thus began the breakfast club. I planned a girls get together one Saturday a month for my friends to come over, eat a light breakfast off of fine china, and spend a couple of hours together. It was such a fun experience. I loved putting together the tables and having my friends just come and be. I told them the only thing fancy was the dishes, because I certainly didn't want it to feel stuffy or pressured. I took lots of pictures of my tables each month, but I forgot to get pictures once my friends arrived. By that time I had forgotten about pictures and just enjoyed my time with them. Here are just a couple of pictures...

If you look closely, you can see that the pictures have two different china patterns...I told you it was bad....you just don't know how bad. I will disclose fully to you soon, but tonight I must rest. It's been a very busy weekend for me.