Saturday, November 15, 2008

Honesty

I began to realize why it is that I write so little and feel unable to write. You see, in the beginning only a few people even knew I had a blog. I could write without holding back, because I really had no clue as to who was reading my blog or how consistently it was read. Now that I know the vast number of close friends and family who keep up with my blog (God bless you all), I'm a scaredy pants. I'm not so scared of reactions as I am to just the amount of knowledge that I share from my heart and I leave in your hands. These are my struggles. These are my joys. These are the places I am growing. These are the places I still need to grow. It is heavy stuff. And I never meant it as just a source of information, but a place to find encouragement and hope. So, I think it's time for me to be honest again.

I graduate in 28 days. Want to talk about an emotional rollercoaster??? I am so excited some days and cry my eyeballs out the very next day. I get a stirring in my stomach just thinking about it. How can a person love and hate something so much at the same time?

And if you really want me to start bawling my eyes out, say anything about my church here, Christ Fellowship. This is without a doubt what I will miss the most. I even got to such an extreme emotionally the other week( I sobbed the whole twenty-five minute ride back to campus) that I wanted to change my whole plans and stay here and work for Christ Fellowship. I was serious! My plans were so elaborate that I think I went ahead and had myself like married and settled here in the next two years! (For those who are itching to find out who the guy is...there isn't one) I was off my rocker big time!! But that's what this time in your life does to a person. It takes you from normal to crazy in under 60 seconds.

**Just as a side note: When you're crazy, you don't want anyone to know that you're crazy. So thanks to all of my friends who treated me like I was normal, when I finally got the courage to talk to you about my losing touch with reality.**

And God is SO GOOD. He has seen through all of my irrationality and whining. He puts up with so much from me. And He still manages to get me back on track at the end of a rough day. I've been reading the Psalms during this rough time, because so many of them basically say "God, my life sucks and things are hard right now, but I give You praise and trust You, because You are God and You take care of Your children." It's probably a bad paraphrase, but read them and see for yourself.

Psalm 13
1 How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemies triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in Your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord's praise,
for He has been GOOD to me.

Can I be real about something else? I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I still struggle with the picture of me in an office all day, seeing client after client. That's not my heart. Maybe I need to make my own options for myself, but I don't know. How do you do something that has never been done before? I still ask myself what am I really that great at?

That's all for now. Should be more than enough to chew on.

2 comments:

Masonfamily said...

Carrie Lou just know you are not alone. Many before you, many with you and many following you will and have faced these same emotions. As life changes so will your itentity and passions. So know that this "craziness" is only God molding you into the wonderful young lady He created. I know He will use you in mighty ways! I will be praying for you as you seek Him in your future plans. I will be praying for you especially during these days. Love ya Girl!

Jessica said...

Hey there girlie! What a thrill, graduation and moving and deciding what path God wants you to take. Listen, it's only the beginning for you and here I am 30 years old and still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life. You think you're bordering on crazy...you just need to spend a few days with me! :) No matter what may be going on in your precious head, God is in control. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you..give you a hope and a futue." Jer. 29:11 (paraphrased per me) Keep seeking his will and he'll open the doors. Congratulations on acheiving your much deserved degree!