Right now it's a quarter after eleven. I'm tired. I have a headache. And it has been a heck of a long day.
But I want to write.
The problem is that I have so many things running through my brain right now, it feels impossible. I feel too vulnerable right now to share from my heart, yet sharing trivial life events seems too superficial. So I guess tonight is somewhere in between.
Every time my life feels settled, I feel normal, and the puzzle pieces of my life fit nicely together, it feels I'm thrown into the blender. All the stuff that had settled, and I nearly thought was gone, surrounds me once again.
And the first person to hear about it is God. I went to one of those Good Friday services I was complaining about last week. I thought God and I were doing just fine, until the service started. Really. Just a few short weeks ago, I was so full of praise and awe. I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning without a joy and praise-filled conversation with my Creator.
Then there, in that service, after a wonderful, beautiful, friend-filled birthday, I let God have it. It surprised me. Especially on a night when we recognize the goodness of Christ's work on the cross. He died for me, my sin. Yet Friday, it didn't feel good enough.
I was reminded of Israel, Jacob, who wrestled with God. You better believe I was doing that with Him that night.
I'm reading a book about grace. It feels like it was written about me so much so that to even share the title with you would make me feel exposed. I haven't found pleasure in reading since I started graduate school, when reading textbooks became my life. I cannot seem to put this book down.
It occupies my mind. It is responsible for stirring the pot. It unsettles me.
So, here I am, just weeks away from massive amounts of change and new challenges, and I am here. Again, a mess before God, unable to sit still in the the Peace the passes understanding.
I always pray that these upsets, these challenges to my life and way of thinking, will bring growth and strength of character. But it always feels like one step forward, two (or fifty) steps back.
I am aware of the vagueness and intangible nature of my words, but if you're there, you get it. And I only write for encouragement on the journey. I love to find companions on the roads I travel.