A Couple of Things...

I've been looking at my blog and thought a couple of things could use some more info. First of all, if you didn't realize the picture at the top is me. This is me sitting on a bench at my favorite spot in all of Palm Beach. I've had a lot of memories there, even on that bench. You see the view in front of me, but what you don't see is what is behind me. Here's another piece of the puzzle that you are missing.

It's the biggest, most beautiful tree I've ever seen in my life. To get a better perspective on how big it actually is here's another picture.

Yeah, that's me sitting on one of the outstretched roots. It sits behind a beautiful church and is next to the oldest house in Palm Beach and the Flagler museum. There is a walking/bike trail between the tree and the bench where I am sitting. The bench overlooks the intracoastal waterway to downtown West Palm. Absolutely enchanting, really.

Another thing I wanted to draw your attention to is my music playlist at the bottom. If you're anything like me you probably have your own music turned on and rush to turn off my playlist as soon as you pull up the site. Well I'd like you to give it a chance. I put thought into my selections, and you might find something you like. The songs don't get changed that often, just every so often I'll find a song that inspires me and I'll add it. So you only have to listen every so often. That's not too much too ask right? I just discovered this indie singer JJ Heller. She's not new to the music biz, and I'm no music expert. But I found her, and I like her. You should check out her music at www.jjheller.com. She even has a blog, so I may add her to my blog list.

That's really all. Feedback is always welcomed. If you think my music sucks, I won't change it, but I would like to know. And then I'll give you full permission to turn it off. :-)

Fulfillment of a promise

I promised you resolutions, and here they are. I like to categorize.

Physical--
1. The one on the top of everyone's list: Lose weight and exercise! It makes the list every year after all of those wonderful Christmas parties. This year my sister and I are tag-teaming it and have a whole accountability system and weight loss plan...we'll see. I love food. But so far so good. My theme song? "I like to Move It"
2. Stop with the sarcasm. It only gets me into trouble. I started this program for one of my classes this past semester, and it was forgotten as soon as I got home. My goal was to replace sarcasm with genuine and kind words. I'll try again.

Mental--
3. I got a stack of books for Christmas...and they should be read before 2010!
4. Take notes on the things I learn and want to remember from what I read.

Emotional--
5.I like to let others talk about themselves but am slow to mention anything about myself without being asked. I resolve to talk to someone every week about how my life is going, even my insecurities.
6.Be more vulnerable. I shudder at the word. I've decided to try to open up more this year. I think it's a vital part of being real with others, like I say I want to be. I can't fuss about someone else's life being shady, when no one knows much about my own.

Spiritual--
7. Really study God's Word. I try to read my Bible every day, but I would be lying if I said I really knew what those words meant half the time. I know I have taken His words out of context many times, and that is irreverent and irresponsible of me. I need to go deeper and always be intentional about what I read.
8. Get uncomfortable. That's the title of my Bible study right now, and I want it to stick. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to be where God is at work. I want to be His hands and feet.
9.Do new things. I like to do new things. It's not always an uncomfortable thing for me. But I think it is necessary for my growth. It's just something I have to resolve to do.
10.Spend more time in prayer for others. I can be such a selfish pray-er.
11.Use the gifts God has given me in a tangible way every day.
12. Weekly Scripture memorization. I have fallen down in this area over the past year. This is so necessary.

Well, that's all. Nothing too astonishing. Maybe I gave you some ideas to add to your resolutions? Remember, every day is a new start. It's a long time until 2010.

Happy New Beginning!

Welcome to the New Year! With graduation, Christmas, and New Years behind me, my life as I once knew it is starting to fade quickly in the background. It’s scary, but I’m doing whatever I can to look positively at the new phase of life in front of me.

I really love making New Year’s resolutions. I’m sure part of it is my strange love for making lists, and part is that it feels good to look at all the things I could do and be and imagining myself as this better person. The other part is the refreshing feeling of getting to start over. Of course, you can start over every day, but something about a new year seems full of endless possibilities. I don’t have to be anything that I was in 2008.

I’ve been on the ball with it this year in kind of a backwards way. Usually, I write them down then come up with a plan of attack before stepping into the war zone. This year I went straight to work doing things that I needed to get done and pulling the lists together in my head. Of course I will write it all down in the next few days, but my busy and motivated self is content to doing and being for the moment without paper and pen. I promise to share as soon as I do.

God is a God of new beginnings. The death of His Son signaled the ultimate in new beginnings and is waiting now to offer you yours. Talk about a clean slate!

Honesty

I began to realize why it is that I write so little and feel unable to write. You see, in the beginning only a few people even knew I had a blog. I could write without holding back, because I really had no clue as to who was reading my blog or how consistently it was read. Now that I know the vast number of close friends and family who keep up with my blog (God bless you all), I'm a scaredy pants. I'm not so scared of reactions as I am to just the amount of knowledge that I share from my heart and I leave in your hands. These are my struggles. These are my joys. These are the places I am growing. These are the places I still need to grow. It is heavy stuff. And I never meant it as just a source of information, but a place to find encouragement and hope. So, I think it's time for me to be honest again.

I graduate in 28 days. Want to talk about an emotional rollercoaster??? I am so excited some days and cry my eyeballs out the very next day. I get a stirring in my stomach just thinking about it. How can a person love and hate something so much at the same time?

And if you really want me to start bawling my eyes out, say anything about my church here, Christ Fellowship. This is without a doubt what I will miss the most. I even got to such an extreme emotionally the other week( I sobbed the whole twenty-five minute ride back to campus) that I wanted to change my whole plans and stay here and work for Christ Fellowship. I was serious! My plans were so elaborate that I think I went ahead and had myself like married and settled here in the next two years! (For those who are itching to find out who the guy is...there isn't one) I was off my rocker big time!! But that's what this time in your life does to a person. It takes you from normal to crazy in under 60 seconds.

**Just as a side note: When you're crazy, you don't want anyone to know that you're crazy. So thanks to all of my friends who treated me like I was normal, when I finally got the courage to talk to you about my losing touch with reality.**

And God is SO GOOD. He has seen through all of my irrationality and whining. He puts up with so much from me. And He still manages to get me back on track at the end of a rough day. I've been reading the Psalms during this rough time, because so many of them basically say "God, my life sucks and things are hard right now, but I give You praise and trust You, because You are God and You take care of Your children." It's probably a bad paraphrase, but read them and see for yourself.

Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts,

and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemies triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4 and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in Your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in Your salvation.

6 I will sing the Lord's praise,

for He has been GOOD to me.

Can I be real about something else? I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I still struggle with the picture of me in an office all day, seeing client after client. That's not my heart. Maybe I need to make my own options for myself, but I don't know. How do you do something that has never been done before? I still ask myself what am I really that great at?

That's all for now. Should be more than enough to chew on.

A poem by Carrie

oh future. poo on you. you make me sick.

Camping 08

It has been two months since I last posted on this blog, but I honestly haven't written anything but schoolwork during this time. While I am usually overflowing with questions and exciting news, nothing has gotten to the place where I just wanted to write about it.

I have taken two trips recently, both worth writing about, but time is what runs away from me. Almost three weeks ago, I packed up my stuff and drove home to surprise my dad for his 5oth birthday. It was sort of a spontaneous leap from reality for a few days, and I can't remember smiling and laughing that much in months. The first night I spent in SC I stayed with Lacie so my dad wouldn't be clued into the fact that there was more to my coming home than meets the eye. The two of us had a great time together as always, and she took a bunch of goofy pictures of us, which I can only look back on and shake my head.

We surprised my dad ten times over. First me. Then my sister. Then a surprise trip(blind-fold and all). He couldn't believe it. I think it was just the break he needed as well. We ended up in the Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. Let me just tell you, it was beautiful.

This past weekend was my fall break, and I decided to take a girls trip to go camping in Georgia with five of my friends. We stayed at High Falls State Park an hour from Atlanta. I have never really been camping before so this was quite the experience for me. I loved it. We built our own fires. We cooked our own food. We hiked. We nearly froze to death. And we almost got eaten by bears the first night because we failed to take our trash to the trash dump. True story.

All in all it was an unforgettable experience. The weather during the day was perfect for us to hike around in the woods and by the waterfalls. We met some fun people too. We weren't exactly looking our best for this trip, but it was a bonding experience nonetheless.

Be 13 Again.

Be 13 Again. This is the phrase that is plastered to my dorm room wall as of this weekend. I have always felt like the kid in me never grew up. It's a semi-Peter Pan-esque rebellion, which probably explains why that's my favorite story ever. J M Barrie just speaks to me. My entire side of the room is covered with posters and magazine cutouts of all of the latest teenybopper idols. Tons of Hannah Montana. Lots of Jonas Bros. High School Musical stars. Camp Rock leads. You name it, I've got it on my walls. I have one last semester of college, so why not go crazy? It really is fun, and I'm attracted to their fun catchy pop songs that aren't seriously loaded, emotionally frustrated songs that everyone is so driven to these days. They're just fun. And with life being the way it is, some days fun is all I can manage.

In all seriousness, at this point in my life I've been feeling a pretty strong desire to either go back and be 13 again or fast forward five or ten years. College is probably the most uncomfortable place for me to be right now, and yet I have a responsibility to myself and my parents to finish this degree I started three years ago. I have been at school for one week now and I feel like a freshman all over again without the excitement of the years to come. It's just awkward. My ties here are already starting to disintegrate. Even more strange is not knowing what comes next. I should know shouldn't I?

What's most dissappointing is not knowing how or if I left my mark anywhere. Looking back, I remember every year coming back and hoping that I could become a little bit more of myself here in this Christianized college bubble. I never got there. I still left myself in Florence, SC coming to this place where I question every move I make, every word I say in hopes that if I do something right I will earn more Christian points in this race to be the best Christian. I have no titles. I'm not the outgoing one or the funny one or even the smart one. These people have nothing to define me, and I'm left feeling like I don't belong completely. They would never tell you that here.

Generally, I'm a very easy going and cheerful person, but the day I came here I became synical and irritable. I've been taught that when you want to be filled with joy, you need to ask God to give you an unoffendable heart. And I've been praying that over and over again this week. The worst part is how God likes to send you these awful tests to strengthen the qualities you ask for and He places within you. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and pray it again. I have to jokingly say that for me going to college is like enlisting. Like I signed up just to get put on the front lines of combat. Because I can tell you my soul is at war. At least I can rest assured that Christ has already won the battle for its ownership. It's His. All His.

I went to church this morning, and it was the most refreshing and wonderful service. I just felt that if just for a moment I was completely at rest, my spirit renewed. I felt the very power of God. I needed to feel it again. Just a glimpse. We sang a song whose lyrics read, "You're the defender of the weak, You comfort those in need, You lift us up on wings like eagles." I needed God to remind me that He was that for me. And I was reminded that the position of my weakness and brokenness was where He could use me the most. The less of me I cling to, the more of Him I can have room for in my life. Pastor Tom preached on 2 Timothy 4: 7-8. Verse seven reads, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." I want to be able to able to say that when the battle is finished.